Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.